


it's tough to get away

by evelinaonline



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: (Borderline) Angst with A Happy Ending, Ben Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Character Study, Fix-It, Gen, Ghost Ben Hargreeves, POV Ben Hargreeves, POV Third Person, Post-Season 2
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-07
Updated: 2020-08-07
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:29:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25769707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evelinaonline/pseuds/evelinaonline
Summary: Ben has finally crossed the light, but has unfinished business back on earth. He does the only thing he can think of; he begs God to send him back.
Relationships: Ben Hargreeves & God, Ben Hargreeves & Klaus Hargreeves
Comments: 40
Kudos: 248





	it's tough to get away

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, I am NOT okay :)
> 
> If you've known me for a while, then you probably also know that Ben is my favorite character of all time. You can imagine what watching S2 was like for me. On _that_ scene in episode 9? The first time I watched it, I cried for a solid thirty minutes straight. We had to pause. It's been a week, I've rewatched the season three times, and still, everytime I think about it I break into tears. I'm not even saying this metaphorically.
> 
> So of course I'm working on fix-its!
> 
> This is a bit rushed, but it's only my first out of a loooot of fics (all unrelated, lol, my notes are chaos right now). After Ben 'dies' for real this time, he tries to negotiate with God about going back home.
> 
> Title from Sister of Pearl by Baio :')
> 
> No beta, we die like Ben. I'm not happy about this tag anymore ;w;

"I have to go back."

In the end, Ben didn't get to cross the light.

The first time he laid his eyes on it, he was only sixteen with a foot in the grave, quite literally. It felt as if he'd been staring at it for hours, debating whether he should take the next step or not, because truth was, he wasn't ready. For every second Ben was still on earth, he lost another one of his senses, he felt more and more numb, more and more dead. At least he couldn't feel the monster in his stomach anymore.

There was nothing left for him in the world, and yet he wasn't ready to leave it behind. Ben had been stripped of everything. His senses, his feelings, his honor. He didn't even want to think about what kind of sorry excuse of a funeral his father put together for him.

Looking ahead into the light should have felt reassuring, but it only made Ben more anxious. All his life, Ben had never been sure of what would happen next, but nothing had ever scared him more about the future than this.

So when he heard the voice of his brother calling him back to earth, Ben didn't hesitate.

Klaus had told him, that first day he conjured him, that he could go back to light anytime he wanted. He had assured him. Ben wasn't an idiot though; he knew his brother, and he knew the way he lied. Klaus had no clue whether what he was claiming was possible.

But it was okay, because that meant Klaus wanted him there. So Ben stayed.

He spent the next years alongside Klaus, watching him self-destruct. It was fine, for the most part, but Ben could feel himself growing bitter. There was a voice in the back of his head that whispered ' _I told you so,'_ as if it was a price for staying, but Ben never figured out who it belonged to.

He did visit the light again. Occasionally.

But he never crossed it. Not even when he stopped feeling altogether. Not even when he was certain Klaus didn't want him around anymore. Because despite everything, Ben was still scared.

In the end, the light pulled him in.

It was funny, really. Ben had thought he could avoid it forever, but of course he'd been wrong. It came to him in shiny flickers of blue, resting on his clothes, on his skin. It was there to take him away, but also to make him feel again; the more light came, the more he could feel his sister's arms around him. He couldn't remember the last time he'd been hugged. It was almost seventeen years ago.

Vanya never pulled away from the hug, and Ben didn't stop feeling it for a long time.

Heaven was… nice.

Really, there was no other word to describe it. It was nice. Ben felt content in a way he'd never felt before, and everything was calm and peaceful. He earned a blank slate. He could be whoever he wanted.

And yet.

"You know you can't do that," the little girl with the hat told him as she continued picking her flowers and placing them on her bike's basket. "Once you cross the light, that's it."

"But I didn't," Ben insisted, wishing she'd look him in the eye. "I didn't cross it."

"Is that right?" the girl said with a smile—a devilish smile—and went right back to work.

Once upon a time, Ben would have dropped it and continued walking down the path alongside the flowers. But he couldn't do that anymore, not when the place he was supposed to spend his afterlife in couldn't offer him the things he longed for the most in the world.

"You don't understand," Ben said, and the girl huffed. "I have to go back. My family, they—"

"Your family didn't even know you were there," the girl said. Ben shivered and bit his lip, but let her finish anyway. "But of course you already know that." She ran her fingers through the flowers' petals, before finally settling on one and pulling it from its stem. "You aren't the first to beg for a way out, and you certainly won't be the last. I do understand. I have to, to run this place smoothly. I can't just pick and choose."

"But that's exactly what you're doing," Ben said, his eyes still pinned on the flower in her hand. "You pick and choose. You play favorites."

"Not all souls are corrupted, Number Six." Ben sighed at the use of his number, but it didn't stop him from feeling helpless. "But I can't let them mix with those who are."

Ben's mind traveled back to the girl and her flowers; picking and choosing, sorting through them, moving them… Not all flowers needed light to grow.

"Want to know which one you are?" the girl said, a teasing tone in her voice.

Ben hated that he couldn't say no to her.

The girl moved to her bike with a bounce, letting her flowers drop in the basket, and gestured for him to follow her.

They walked through the gardens for a while. As much as Ben wanted to leave this place, he'd always enjoyed looking at the flowers. They didn't need words to express themselves—just shapes and colors, in a black and white world. And yet, Ben always knew what color they were.

They stopped in front of some bushes, tiny things, and the girl leaned down to pick up a blossom. Her moves were always so calculated, but now she was letting the flower and its white petals rest on her palm almost lazily.

The smell hit Ben like a hurricane.

The small flower smelled of lousy evenings and teasing, of quiet nights looking at the stars. It smelled like stroking a string of memories that hadn't been touched in years, of something distant yet so familiar. Of laughter, of coziness, of bittersweetness. It smelled of home.

"A gardenia?" Ben asked.

The girl nodded. "That's the bush I picked you from," she said, stroking the blossom's petals. "Of course, you're here now, so your flower doesn't exist anymore." Without missing a heartbeat, she crumpled the flower with a swift movement, and let it fall to the ground.

Ben felt a knot tighten in his chest.

"Why would you do that?"

He'd never understand how God, or whoever she was, could be such a prick.

"You care," she said, crossing her arms behind her back.

Ben stared in awe at the crumpled flower, then back at her. He wanted to prove her wrong so badly, to stand still, or to walk away, and yet he couldn't help but lean down and pick up the gardenia. Its petals felt soft, too soft, against his touch, at least those of them who were still holding onto the flower.

"It's too late for it now," she said. "It's just a blossom, ripped from its home. It doesn't have a stem to plant."

Ben kept stroking the flower's leaves, trying to ignore her words. She was wrong. The flower was right there, it was still alive, emitting its bittersweet smell, calling for its _home_.

"That doesn't make it useless," she continued. "It can be used as a fertilizer, to help the other flowers grow. But it will die out, eventually. After all, it's been corrupted now—"

"Klaus _isn't_ corrupted," Ben interrupted. The words came out of his mouth without him processing them. It was only when he heard his own raised voice that he realised what he had said. He hadn't meant to say it, but it was too late now. "My _family_ isn't corrupted."

A smile tugged at the girl's lips. "Now, I never mentioned him, did I?"

Ben wanted to look away, but everything else around him consisted of flowers, and flowers reminded him of the blossom in his hand, and the way the girl had ended its life as if it was nothing, and if that wasn't enough, he could still smell it and—

"I keep wondering why you want to go back. What was it he called you?" she asked, looking up, pretending to be in deep thought. "His ' _ghost bitch_?'" Ben closed his eyes. "I never liked him, you know. But he must have told you that, I don't think he likes me very much either. I suppose that's fair. I wouldn't like someone who kept _choosing_ other people over me either—"

"He's not—it's not like that," Ben said, but it was. It _was_ like that, because Klaus had acted like a massive asshole by ignoring Ben's existence and pretending he wasn't there, by keeping him from his family who he had missed so much, and Ben didn't deserve that, he knew it, but it didn't matter, because Klaus _needed_ him. _Ben_ needed him. He took a deep breath and opened his eyes, locking them with the girl's. "I never crossed your damn light."

"It doesn't matter," she said. "You're here now, and you need it."

"Gardenias can grow in the shade," Ben said.

"But those who never see the sun grow weak," she said.

"I've never forgotten what the sun is like." And he hadn't. Ben was dead, detached from the world, but Klaus offered him a way out. He gave him oxygen, he let him breathe, he let him _live._

The girl huffed. "You could thrive!" she said. "Inside these gardens, you don't need to suffer anymore. You don't need to hold onto a world that hurt you, that _killed_ you. You could have everything you wanted here!"

"No." Ben shook his head. "I couldn't."

The girl looked at him for a few lingering moments before turning around and leaning over the bushes again. Ben felt his body tense up in defense, his hand clenching around the dead flower in his hand. He wasn't going to let her harm them. Not anymore.

"Hand it over," she said, and Ben took a step back. She sighed. "I just want to put it to rest."

Ben glanced on the ground in front of her, where she had dug some soil out of the way; a perfect fit for the blossom in his hand. Part of him wanted to tell her no, but the way she said it sounded… genuine.

Ben nodded and dropped on his knees. He glanced at the girl one more time as she gave him a nod back and he placed the gardenia on the hole. He run his fingers through its petals one more time, before gently covering the hole with the dirt on the side. For a split second, he was back on earth, lying on the ground, taking in the texture of it for the first time in almost two decades. He was snapped out of his thoughts when the girl gave the soil a gentle pat.

"They put gardenias around my grave."

Ben had no idea why he said that.

"I know," she said. Any hint of hostility had long disappeared from her voice. "I know everything." She crossed her legs and made herself more comfortable, wiping her hands on her white dress and staining it, before taking off her hat and letting it rest on her lap. "And yet, I was wrong."

Ben raised an eyebrow at that. He supposed he could sit down for a little bit longer, so he rested on his thigh, not caring about the dirt. He hadn't minded dirt getting on his clothes in a long long time. "Wrong?"

"Yes," she said, pressing her lips into a seemingly forced smile. "You are way more stubborn than your brother."

He couldn't help but chuckle. "I know."

Ben shifted so he was sitting down normally, his legs folded and forming the tiniest triangle between them and the ground. He leaned back, his weight supported by his hands placed behind his body, and looked up at the sky, so he could see the light.

Deep down, he knew it hadn't been possible. Not everyone got the happy ending of their dreams, and Ben certainly didn't deserve it. After all, his story—his life on earth, his family, Klaus—had ended seventeen years ago. You can't turn back the pages on a book that doesn't have any. You can't leave a garden with no exit. And you certainly can't bloom as a flower where there isn't any light. This was meant to happen. All Ben had left to do was accept it.

He felt a bump on his shoulder, causing him to snap his eyes open. He hadn't even realised he'd close them, until the figure of the little girl staring down at him came into view. She extended her arm for him, and Ben took it without any more questions.

Once on his feet, she spoke again. "Come on."

"Why, is it curfew already?" Ben joked.

The girl rolled her eyes but didn't let go of Ben's hand. Instead, she started pulling him through the gardens again. "I said, come on."

"Hold on," Ben said, but she didn't seem to be listening. "Hey, I said hold on, can you just—" He freed his hand from her grip, and it was only then that she stopped walking. "Where are we going?"

She sighed, a hint of annoyance manifesting in her voice again, but it wasn't rude like before. "Home, Ben," she said. "We're getting you home."

Ben stared at her in disbelief.

"H-Home?" he said and she nodded. No. There was no way. "Home as in, _home_ home?" She nodded again. "With my family?"

"Yes, Ben!" she said, and no matter how angry she sounded, Ben couldn't shake the grin off his face. "With your dumb family!"

He covered his face with his hands, another chuckle escaping him. For a guy that was literally about to cry in front of _God_ , he was feeling quite well. Spectacular, actually. He took a step closer to her, taking her hand between his. "Thank you, thank you so much, you have no idea—"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah… You're welcome, and all of that, now come on," she said. When Ben let go of her hand, she adjusted her hat and continued walking down the path with bouncy steps. She stopped, suddenly, turning around to look at Ben again. "I said come _on,_ before I change my mind."

"Right! Right." Ben nodded to himself. He was going to see his family, he was going to see Klaus, he was going home where he belonged. Ben took one final breath and stopped fighting the grin threatening to take over his face. "I'm ready."

The girl smiled. "I know."

The first time Ben crossed the light, it was to get out of it.

**Author's Note:**

> GIVE BEN A HAPPY ENDING _PLEASE_.
> 
> I LOVED S2, but they did Ben and Klaus so dirty man :c I'll leave my rant about these two for my Ben & Klaus fix-it though.
> 
> S2 was in no way what I expected it to be, and I've already rewatched it three times (technically I still have EP10 to rewatch, but I'm doing that after I post this). Do I feel robbed in every way possible? Stripped of all emotion? Yeah. Definitely. And of course I had my problems with this season, but I'm not letting it get in the way of everything that I did enjoy! After all, that's what fix-its are for :D
> 
> Anyway, I'll stop rambling now, but if you wanna talk about S2, you can check me out on [tumblr (evelinaonline)](https://evelinaonline.tumblr.com/). I'd love to talk about it, seriously, don't hesitate to message me! I also have more of my thoughts there in detail.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! Feel free to share your thoughts on S2 (or potential fic suggestions? uwu) in the comments if you'd like! <3


End file.
